Dear family and Friends,

The journey continues.  The MD's are not seeing progress. The small group of brain  tumors  are  multiplying and expanding. This new expansion will
significantly limit my life's length. I  may have as long as a few months.

I have been very blessed.  I  have given and received love in abundance.

Tony and I are going on a cruise.  After the last  couple of years we just would like to take some time off and relax together.  I am hoping we can finish this dream trip to sail the Caribbean  for  11 days.  I am happy and comfortable. I love you all. Keep me and my famly in your prayers.
I will ell you more as any plans continue .

Living Today

Thank you for your prayers, cards, calls, support gifts and awsome home cooked meals. Thank you friends and family, you help me to keep moving forward on life's journey.

Notes on living in the day: I have no idea what tomorrow will bring; Patience, gratitude and acceptance require constant adjustments to my perceptions; Coping with ambiguity is an act of trust.

For months, I have not called, written or e-mailed, I have  not kept my blog up, not used my computer, checked e-mail or used my cell phone. I lost my ability to walk, focus my thinking or use my hands. I am relearning to do things and will start to communicate again.

I thought hallucinations were wild visions. I have had visions and dreams I can not separate from reality. People I know seem to be acting weird or threatening.    I have had visitors or conversations I have no memory of having.

Yes Virginia, there is a chemo brain. I can not trust my memory. Some of what I remember never happened or my recollections are very jumbled. I have started a list of things I have lost or misplaced. If only I could find the list.

Well back to the races once around the dinning room table is the first step to a 5K.

JOY JOY JOY

WOW! You would not believe how easy it is for me to lose focus. I turn inside look out and think .... Me, Me, Poor Me... Which is exactly what the "thing" wants.

I am so blessed with the people in my life and heart.  I am truly embarrassed when I forget.

Please keep telling me about what's up in your world.

Thank you, Tony for not throwing something at me today when I wanted to know why the walker was not red  and did not have 4 wheels.

 Ann thank you for listening to the tantrum.

Julie Von Jasmin you and your "god daughter" light up my life. 


Jennifer, the escape was sublime.  I hope the kids can come "home" for Christmas as planned before your son in-laws deployment.

Tina thank you for feeding my cookie insanity.  World Market next time.

Julie and John thank you for sharing your joy:
BABY MILO'S DOES NOT NEED CRANIAL SURGERY AT THIS TIME!!! THE SURGERY HAS BEEN CANCELED! HIS BODY IS WORKING IT!!

DAVID AND CHANA ROCK TINA AND NEAL'S WORLD.

TOM AND TONY  ARE BECOMING A (THE) DYNAMIC BRIDGE DUO.

Medical News December 7, 2010

Sorry for waiting an extra day. Tony and I left home at 7:30 AM and didn't get back until after 5:00 PM - alright enough whining ..

RADIOLOGIST CONSULT:

QUESTION - What is it? It is the same ugly aggressive cancer that started in my breast.  Step one is the radiologist and neurosurgeon designing  a plan for radio surgery. Yesterday they built me my very own treatment mask. It is much more dramatic  than the breast, think Impial Storm Troopers.

ONCOLOGIST CONSULT:

QUESTION - Are there other nasty little tumors and lesions in my body? December 14, 2010 I will have some PT body scans to try and find the answer.   The best news would be no evidence of other lesions.

THE CRUTCHES ARE GONE!!!!!!!  The leg is doing great!

How I was able to morph from a 61 year old woman to a 101 year old woman in less than a month.  Amazing.
From  the steroids so  my eyes bug out, my face swells, my stomach puffs and I have this overall frog look. Get a walker.  Be Cranky. I feel like the old women in the song when Bette Middler says hello in there.

Thank you for all your support.  Please keep me in your prayers.  Please tell me about good stuff going on in your world.

Love,

MJ

Sit and Wait, and Wait, and Wait......

9:30 AM Tony, Rachael and I leave the house......spend day waiting in MD's offices..... 5:00PM home. Crash and sleep.

Today's news:
1) The biopsy area is healing and the stitches are out. 
2) The biopsy confirms the lesion is more of the breast cancer, it has just spread out.
3) The lesion is sitting on a sinus drain in the brain that makes it too risky to remove. There is more chance of damage to surrounding tissue from removal than leaving it.
4) The next step is a very focused radiation. The radiation may reduce future growth by as much as 80%. The results will be cumulative over time. Not - BAM!!!!! and blast that thing to pieces. How much time?? It depends.....
5) Using brain lab radiation technology as a guide, a treatment plan will be developed. I meet with the Radiologist 8:00 AM Monday, Today the surgeon ordered a brain lab MRI - they will talk.

No New, News Yet.

I hope no one is thinking I am anti social. Communication has been difficult this week. Headaches make talking, thinking and listening very difficult. Vision has hindered my writing. The surgery Wed. was to explore only.  Tomorrow, December 2 I should have the biopsy results and have discussed treatment plans with the docs. I will share information as soon as I know something.

Tony and I are so blessed to have family and friends that we love and I'm not sure but they love us too! Guys we are fine and have everything we need. Thank you worrying and offering just keep the prayers and love coming. I have these overwhelming feelings of gratitude that keep me going.

I wanted that clear because today was my big plunge into the  world. Tony and I went to This and That Thrift looking for books. It is a fun thing to do - we are fine and have everything we need.     I am just embarrassed  with the crutch, splint, round puffy face and jaunty little beret (well beret to coverB the chopped hair) I look very much like a bag lady
(on a bad day). This was the perfect place to start  without feeling out of place.  You would not recognize me - I hope.

Have I mentioned that my nephews are amazing -  I appreciate the support guys!  The pictures from Jason's wedding pictures are up! I don't believe there is no picture of you....
I miss my Gateway Elementary friends and kids.

Remind me to keep my guard up. The cancer can be very seductive and trick me into thinking my options and energy are decided by the disease.

Chat tomorrow.

Love, MJ












 

Saved

Cancer Round Two

Wednesday, November 24, 2010
7:30 AM surgery to answer the question "What is this thing growing in my head?" I will be the first surgery that morning - good to know the Docs a morning person. I have no idea which procedure will be performed or how long it will take. I'm rooting for no additional damage.

The Beast Within

This "thing" is very different than the breast tumor. It fights dirty. It is waging war and I can look in the mirror and see it. My face has morphed into a toad; buggy eyes, round face, chipmunk jowls. This thing mixes my thoughts, steals my energy and confuses me.  

Friends and family I could not  face this without your strength and love.  Saturday Thanksgiving, was wonderful.  Your loving e-mails, notes and phone calls talking to me not the disease are greatly welcome. I like to hear what's going on in the "real world".
I miss my work and "my kids"  being a school counselor is part of me. I miss being Mom and Tony's wife, Aunt Mary Jo, Sister, Friend, Mahjong Queeen (sort of) I miss you.  I miss independence and driving. I miss looking and feeling nice, despite Nancy's  best efforts, I look and feel really ugly and think maybe I am going to have to wear veil.

What do I need - prayers.  Check up and support for Tony and Rachael and Jason and Michelle they are living this up-close and personal and do not have the luck to  be drugged out.